how to crochet

This is a tutorial on how to crochet. You will need to start with a certain dissatisfaction with life, a general malaise. You shouldn’t be able to identify where the dissatisfaction is coming from, or how to address it directly. It has to be so vague and unidentifiable that eventually while scrolling Instagram at 2 AM you say to yourself, “maybe crocheting would help?” Another helpful material to begin with is an underlying anxiety, a spirit of procrastination. Nothing really pushes you to crochet like a looming deadline, or some event you are desperately avoiding. Otherwise you might never really get going.

Next you will need your yarn. Don’t overthink this part, and don’t spend too much on the nice stuff. Because the first 2–5 items you produce will actually turn out quite poorly, and once you improve you will realize what a waste of yarn and time those first granny squares were. Trust me, the hand dyed yarn from the local boutique can (and should) wait.

After that, you will need YouTube. This tutorial will not be enough on its own. You will need to come to terms with the fact that crocheting is harder than you thought it was, and that several YouTube videos are going to assume you know a lot more than you do. Do not forget that US terms are the same but entirely different from British terms in the world of crocheting. I assume the US felt a need to separate itself from the Commonwealth by not only its system of governance, but also measurement, driving, and crochet terms in order to fully seal the deal. And who can blame them? Had we not broken from crochet term tradition it is very likely we would still be under the Queen’s rule today.

Next, you will need to go ahead and watch that YouTube video again. Because it made sense when you watched the lady do it, but now that you’re wielding the hook and yarn you aren’t so sure.

Once you’ve got the hang of it, please resist the urge to immediately capitalize on this new hobby of yours. Stay humble, and remember that there is nothing you are contributing to the world of crochet that is not already on Etsy. Do not tell yourself that you need to buy more yarn and will surely double your profits from the balaclavas you make with said yarn. You will not. And that is okay! It was only supposed to be a pastime to help take your mind off the general malaise, remember? So don’t beat yourself up. Not everything has to result in a small but booming business.

The last step is to keep it up champ! Take months to finish any given project, and always be brainstorming your next one. Buy new yarn because you NEED that color and don’t have anything in your collection that will suffice. Spend 75 dollars on supplies for a throw pillow so you can “save money” on a “DIY” option. The general malaise might still be there, and the deadlines don’t disappear. But at the very least you have something to keep your hands busy, something to say when someone asks ‘what do you do in your free time?’, and maybe even an almost-finished tote or two.

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