A world of productivity

I’m afraid of not being productive and wasting my time.

I was watching YouTube tutorials while having dinner. I was checking emails and reading news while ‘watching’ entertainment shows that supposed to make my brain stop running too fast for a moment. There are always great people around me doing fascinating things which make me feel that I’m not good enough. The only way to make me feel better is to keep working.

I can’t stop myself, so someday, I could be as good as they are.

I’m afraid to have so much spare time during quarantine time.

Unlike going to classes, attending talks and participating social events, I’m staying in my apartment and having much more free time. The eager of being productive and fear of not making use of my time become exponentially high. Every time when I felt exhausted, I rewarded myself as being productive. The toxic loop spirals up my anxiety, which ends up not having enough time every day, and I did not do much work neither.

Why do I want productivity in the first place?

Because I’m afraid.

Afraid of what?

Not being great.

What is ‘great’?

Enjoy life,

and

……

……

Being myself.

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