Brave Baby Steps

While I was on a solo day date with myself today at the Chinese food buffet, I was scrolling on my phone to pass the time while still enjoying my lunch. Thank you, Olivia Smith (@OliveFSmith), for posting this gem:

I always love it when people say, “Baby steps!” to imply they’re being tentative when actually baby steps are a great unbalanced, wholehearted, enthusiastic lurch into the unknown.

Lurching. That’s such a great word to describe the last 4 months of my life. Really, the last 2 years. That word conjures up images for me of someone learning how to drive a car with a stick shift. It’s just the worst. I tried to do it when I was 19 and just never got the hang of it. It’s like, you want to go but you also want to control the going. However, there’s no control to be had. There’s only propelling yourself forward before coming to a sudden halt again. And heaven forbid you need to drive uphill.

It does take bravery; I’ll give you that.

In 2023 I’ve propelled myself full speed forward into the unknown. I feel a bit like I’m lurching. And also a bit like I’m floating untethered into space. Did you see Gravity? That movie was a whole body anxiety-inducing experience for me. When I first left my 15 year marriage, that nauseating feeling of being completely alone, possibly suffocating, and drifting off into the atmosphere into certain death was almost unbearable. That feeling gets less and less intense as the weeks pass. He’s still here. He’s still a great support system for me and such a fantastic partner in parenting our kiddo.

Leaving my stressful and toxic job felt like less of a risk. In the beginning I was in full on freak out mode because we all need an income, right? But after I settled down, I formulated a game plan, and made it work. As the universe would have it, something much less stressful that would still pay the bills was waiting in the wings, and now I’m a million percent enjoying my newfound freedom, and the world feels like my oyster. Lots of lessons to be learned here, and I’ll dive into that on another day.

Although these were not baby steps in themselves, many, many, little steps happened along the way to prepare me for these milestone moments. And who knows, if I’m given the opportunity to look back at it all in the end, these may look like baby steps that prepared me for something much bigger. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Whether they were large or small steps, they were all terrifying for me. But I did it anyway. I did it with people tearing me down. I did it with people acting cruel and unkind. I did it with people supporting me. I did it with a couple of really great hugs from friends seeing I was having a difficult time. I did it with the help of a fantastic therapist. And I also did it alone much of the time. But I did it.

This reminds me of Stutz’s Strand of Pearls. All decisions have the same weight, big or small. There is no right or wrong. There is only forward movement. That’s all that matters- putting the next pearl on the strand.

Those steps may feel unbalanced and uncertain at first, but that’s what makes it exciting (and terrifying). Each step forward is a triumph, and each stumble is an opportunity to learn and grow. And trust me when I say I’ve been stumbling all over the place since 1979.

Taking risks can be scary, but it’s important to remember that nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. Whether it’s starting a new business, pursuing a new relationship, or simply trying a new hobby, it takes courage to take that first step. But once you do, you’ll be amazed when you turn around and see how far you’ve come. Embrace the unknown, or hell, even just walk slowly and hesitantly toward it, and wholeheartedly embrace the journey. Who knows where it might take you?

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